Laughing, Weeping, Living

Life happens. You laugh about it or cry about it, sometimes both.

Other People’s Babies

on June 7, 2014

You know it’s spring time when all the ladies you know start having their babies. Several of my facebook acquaintances recently gave birth to their beautiful new babies, and the newborn photos are adorable. The kiddos are so cute, and sleepy, and they have sweet little hands, and I could just eat them up. The little boys wear hats with an owl face and the little girls are in cute pink ruffles. I really like seeing these children of my friends. I am happy for the families who welcome these babies.

When Agnes was born, I joined a couple online networking groups for support. Mommies of Miracles and Moms of Trach Babies are the two main groups that I joined. I am still linked to these groups since they encourage the moms whose children have passed away to stay in touch with the community. I have been able to comment on a couple questions that have come to the discussion board, and it does help me feel connected to a community. The members of these groups submit charming photos of their “miracle” children with complex and often debilitating medical needs. Children in wheelchairs, children who can’t talk or see or hear, children who are dependent on feeding tubes, trachs, regular I.V. treatments, children who require multiply surgeries and hospital stays. Beautiful children who are always the light of mommy’s eye, and she loves this child so much, and she would do whatever and anything to help this child have a better life.

I love to see pictures of these children, too, the children who are alive despite grim diagnoses and shortened life expectancies. I love reading about how these children have overcome difficult circumstances in order to thrive in their own special way.

It does get really hard for me, though, to read about these miracle children. Harder than reading about healthy babies. My friends’ healthy babies are beautiful but it’s the stories of the medically complex babies that break my heart.

Earlier this week I saw some absolutely gorgeous photos of a little boy in the Mommies of Miracles group, and he has a very similar genetic condition to Agnes. Not the same, but very similar. His story was full of uncertainty, but he now appears to be thriving with the help of a feeding tube, and that’s it. His eyes were so big and blue, and he looked so alert, and he looked like Agnes would have looked if she ever opened her eyes. And he’s still alive. And doing well. With a condition so similar to what Agnes had. And it’s stories like his that are so hard for me to see. I am happy for that little boy and his family; he is a beautiful child. But I am also intensely sad and a little bit jealous.

This experience makes me wonder if I should still stay connected to these groups. Is the connection helpful for me or does it simply bring heartache? I don’t know. I love seeing the photos of miracle babies, but each one is a reminder that my miracle baby is not here anymore. I can cheer on these children and pray that they continue to beat the odds, but at the same time I am painfully aware that my child did not beat the odds.

Baby Agnes, pray for me.

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2 responses to “Other People’s Babies

  1. JeneaSwainston says:

    Love you all so much…my heart aches for you…I don’t have an answer…just a hug…

  2. Rebecca Wood says:

    Our journey’s are vastly different. But, I do struggle with envy and jealousy as well. Like I said, I know our circumstances don’t even compare. I just wanted you to know you weren’t alone in those feelings of envy and jealousy.

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