Laughing, Weeping, Living

Life happens. You laugh about it or cry about it, sometimes both.

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

on March 30, 2014

This past week has been crazy and busy. We have been on the run, which is nice because there were a couple days in a row that I didn’t cry about Agnes even once. So I guess I’m doing okay.

Ha.

On Thursday we took some time out to go up to Cornerstone of Hope, a non-profit faith-based grief counseling organization in Independence. This organization was founded by a Catholic couple in 2000 after the death of their little boy. They looked for something that would help them process their grief after the death of their child, but there were very few options. No one wanted to help grieving families acknowledge death. So they started their own gig. Jeremy and I found out about Cornerstone of Hope a few weeks ago when we went to the Marriages of Grace retreat. Cornerstone of Hope was a program sponsor with an ad in the retreat booklet. We would have missed it there, if one of the other couples on retreat hadn’t pointed it out to us and told us what the organization was about. The ad focused on some summer camps for boys and girls, so we had no idea it was also a grief counseling organization.

After the retreat, Jeremy spent some time looking up information about Cornerstone of Hope. I let him because I’m a supportive wife, and even though I don’t need any help processing my grief, I knew Jeremy had been feeling kind of down and maybe it would be good for him.

Ha.

We went together to an intake meeting on Thursday and the therapist asked us to tell a bit about Agnes’ story and why we were at Cornerstone of Hope looking for help, and what we thought we might benefit from as far as types of therapy or services they might provide. The therapist also took us each through a 15 to 20 point grief symptoms checklist, I don’t know…I guess to see how much in grief we are.

Are you experiencing any of the following:
Appetite changes?
Lack of energy?
Changes in sleep patterns (too little of not enough)?
Headaches or general achiness?
Inability to make decisions?
Lack of motivation?
Loss of interest in hobbies?
Forgetfulness?
Urge to cry unexpectedly or intense crying?
Change in social habits?
Feelings of loneliness?
Isolation?
Feelings of worthlessness?
Feelings of helplessness?
Anxiety or panic?
Anger or irritation?
Disorganization?
Lack of focus or concentration?
Recurring thoughts or ideas?

I think I answered “yes” to all but four or five of the items. The moral of the story is I thought I was doing well, but a professional assessment has revealed that I am a wreck. I was living in a lie that I had crafted for myself. It is true that I had a lot of time to pre-grieve while Agnes was sick in the hospital, but that was grieving for something different. We have been grieving different things ever since we had that first ultrasound of Agnes back in February of 2013. We grieved the loss of an uneventful pregnancy, the loss of a totally natural birth, the loss of our joyous homecoming with a healthy baby, the loss of all Agnes’ milestones, the loss of her cry. She never cried. You might think a baby crying is just loud and irritating, but I would give anything to have heard Agnes cry even once.

Anyway, Jeremy and I are going to start grief counseling because we both would benefit from it. I was too proud to admit that I needed help; going to this meeting was very close to the last item on my “want-to-do” list but it is good that Jeremy dragged me up to Independence. I’m not really in a position to give advice, but I would say that if you think your mood or behavior is at all different from how you remember yourself, get a professional assessment because if you do need help, you are probably not in a position to recognize it for yourself.

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4 responses to “The Lies We Tell Ourselves

  1. JeneaSwainston says:

    Glad you are getting the needed help with grief…
    Really praying this helps you both come to terms with your horrendous loss of sweet baby Agnes…Love you, Aunt Jenea

  2. Kathy Schwager says:

    It take a lot of strength to ask for help. I’m glad that you found a place that will work for you.

  3. Penny says:

    You Weren;t lying to yourself. When one is putting one foot in front of the other and soldiering on, it is easy to think things are OK. Its as if we feel we aren’t grieving unless we are puddled up all the time and totally dysfunctional. Strong people like you are the hardest to convince that help may be needed. I find it amazing daily how God reaches around corners and through brochures to lead his beloveds to the help they need.

  4. Rebecca Wood says:

    My husband and I deal with our emotions in very different ways from one another. But, we both have spurts when we think we are “over it”. However, something happens to remind us that we are not there yet.

    Many hugs to you as you move through this. Thinking of you and sending love.

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