Laughing, Weeping, Living

Life happens. You laugh about it or cry about it, sometimes both.

Reflection: I Don’t Feel Like It

on March 2, 2014

Every day this week I have come in to the office several times a day and said to myself, “I really should write a blog post today.” It would be good to get back in the groove of regular blogging. It would be good to write about how I’m doing. Lot’s of people care about me and they might like to know what I’m up to.

But you know what, I don’t feel like it. Specifically, I don’t feel like reflecting. It’s hard, it makes me cry, and I would much rather be devoting my energy and time to less difficult activities that make me cry less.

Well yesterday I spent my whole morning helping at church with the pyrohy business they do, and it was really fun. Then I came home and life was suddenly horrible. I don’t know what happened to me but all of a sudden I was trying to throw together a pot of soup and even that was too difficult. Tears. What the hell? And today we went to Divine Liturgy and everything was fine; but this afternoon I put together our monthly budget which I’ve done many times before, but this time it was extremely difficult and nearly panic-inducing. I wondered aloud when might I start to feel capable and effective again.

So with all that being said, I don’t really feel like I want to spend my evening writing a reflection on how I’m feeling, because it’s really a downer. I know I shouldn’t expect to be “over” my grief yet, and I don’t resent myself for feeling sad and weeping for Agnes from time to time. However, I do wish I was more with-it around the home. There are tasks to be done and I am the one who has to do them, if I want them to get done. When I go around feeling incapable and sad, the simple tasks are overwhelming. Then I feel even more down because how could I let such a simple thing upset me so much? Then all of a sudden, I’m shedding bitter tears over a pan of splattering onions, and someone walks in and says, “Okay, so what’s wrong?” as if I have any idea what the answer may be. I could diagram it for you:

I am upset because:

  • The onions are splattering and the grease burned my hand.

Due to/because of:

  • Poor sleeping and possible hormone imbalance

Due to/because of:

  • Stress and possible mild depression

Due to/because of:

  • Unresolved feelings of grief about my deceased child.

 

So, long story short, I can get along quite well as long as nothing demanding is going on. I can act normal in company at a public location, and it seems as if I am handling my grief quite well. As soon as something demanding happens, all bets are off.

We’ll get through it, and I know you are going to say I need to be easier on myself. I will try. In the meantime, maybe don’t expect frequent posts. I’ll still try to buzz in a few times a week. Hopefully once our house deal gets closer to closing I’ll be bubbling with all that kind of news. Thanks for stopping in to read, thanks for “listening” to me vent.

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2 responses to “Reflection: I Don’t Feel Like It

  1. JeneaSwainston says:

    You ahve a right to feel any way you feel at any given moment…
    Having said that…have you thought about talking to a Dr about an anti-depressant for a while or something to help with sleep or anxiety? Just a thought…not trying to be a know it all…
    Love you! Aunt Jenea

  2. mart says:

    Judy, get your butt to an adoration chapel and stay in that silent oasis of peace until you receive the peace that only He can give. You writing about yor feelings and experiences is therapy in itself and let’s off stress. You have done a lot since Agnes was born! Yes, I know life goes on but you have to have that time with our Lord. IN QUIET. You very well could be low in progesterone. When you are low you feel as if you are at the edge of a cliff. Don’t hesitate to tell your GYN this. Suggest the progesterone or google the effects of being low. Right now it might seem you will not have joy again, but gratitude is the key to joy. It is also the key to the Father’s heart. I’m thinking of you….call me anytime.

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